Why I’ve stopped saying 'sorry' (when I don't mean it)

Antoinette Spear, 4 min read

I came across a video on TikTok which started off with "reasons I apologised to my wife". This comedian rattled off seemingly mundane scenarios where he felt the need the apologise to his spouse - for example, having to apologise for using a spoon instead of a fork to eat his salad. 

Aside from having a good chuckle, it reminded me of a time when I ran a personal experiment to become more aware of my overuse of the word 'sorry'. 

It started when I was returning to the workforce after having kids. My perceived guilt of having accommodations made for me as a working mum meant more reasons to be 'sorry'.  And this was creeping into conversations with everyone in my life. 

So, I made a deliberate effort to change that. 

When there were situations outside of my control, or circumstances that happened through no genuine fault of my own, I replaced 'sorry' with 'thanks'. 

For example: “thanks for waiting for me,” rather than, “sorry I'm late”.

The results? This simple language hack had a huge impact on my mindset. 

  • Thankfulness replaced guilt.
  • Acceptance replaced frustration.
  • Empowerment replaced helplessness.

Read on to hear how I made these small, yet hugely impactful changes when talking with my customers, colleagues and my friends.

My customers

Working in customer service, we tend to misuse apologies to avoid conflict. 

Around the time I was running this experiment, I had a job in a Customer Support team, providing email tech support.  

We had a customer who repeatedly emailed us. 

Every week, they'd find a new reason to write in, and every week I'd start my reply with "Sorry for the inconvenience". 

One time, they replied, "Are you actually sorry for the inconvenience?"

It really hit hard. 

Yes, there are situations where an apology is necessary (e.g, where there's an actual wrongdoing and responsibility needs to be taken). However, when empty apologies are used as 'filler' it can be frustrating to hear on the receiving end. 

I realised every time this customer wrote in, they wanted to be heard and their needs to be met. They weren't interested in a meaningless, half attempt at an apology. 

So, from that point forward, I changed tact and replaced 'sorry' with an acknowledgement statement. 

For example:

- “Sorry to hear you've had a bad experience,” became, “I appreciate you sharing your recent experience”

- “Sorry to keep you waiting for a response,” became, “thanks for waiting while we looked into this”

- “I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean?” became, “I'd love to help - can you please help me understand what you mean?”

The result: whilst there are times where apologies are necessary, acknowledgement is equally as important in customer service. 

Using language that shows you're listening and acknowledging the customer's needs is a powerful way to express empathy and fast-track a solution. 

My colleagues

It wasn't just with customers that I was overusing the apology. In an attempt to be perceived as polite and easy to work with (you know the drill!),  I realised I was doing this with my colleagues, as well. Often, I found myself reverting to an apology in circumstances that were mostly outside my control - for example, “sorry, I don't have access to the file" or “sorry, I have to leave the meeting early”.

Being overly apologetic led to guilt, which would then perpetuate into a negative feedback loop. Over time, my confidence started eroding - every time I said “sorry”, I was subconsciously telling myself I'm not enough.

The word 'sorry' became over-used and meaningless. It wasn't until one day when I stopped and thought about it: since when do I need to apologise for existing in a world where there are things outside of my control? 

That's when I flipped the script and made more of an effort to say things like, “thanks for moving this meeting to 8:30,” rather than saying "sorry I couldn't make the earlier start time”.

The result: less guilt for the things outside of my control and more gratitude for the things inside of my control. 

My friends

Consider this scenario: You've scheduled to meet a friend after work for a social catch up, when something suddenly pops up last minute at work. You text your friend to say you're late. 

Replacing the apologetic narrative - for example, "sorry, I'm running late" with something like "hey, I know it's last minute notice, but I'm held up at work," helps to maintain power, confidence and may in fact, raise the other person's opinion of you. 

Why is this? When you apologise, it implies you're asking the recipient to please consider my feelings and help me feel better about this situation, when really you're trying to say 'I acknowledge and respect your time'. 

It’s important to acknowledge that you respect the other persons’ time, but that doesn’t need to come at the cost of guilt.

Of course, there are going to be situations where it's important to say sorry. 

Things like context and tone are important to take into account too ('thanks' can be passive aggressive - which is a blog topic for another time). 

Give this little experiment a go. You might surprise yourself.

Antoinette Spear

Antoinette Spear

Antoinette, our Customer Team Lead, is natural problem solver who thrives in the support space, ever leading the customer team to glory. Her arsenal of skills also includes her strong GIF game and an extensive repertoire of Simpsons references.

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